Second puberty, but like, emotional.
Warning up top that there's going to be some sex talk and what not, so if that's something that bothers you, probably best to skip this one.
A common joke or meme, for trans folks is "second puberty," Which is pretty literally what's happening as you give your body hormones that alter your body. Like, in the past few months, specifically, I've developed breasts and I'm more emotional than I can remember being in a long time. It's really that second part I want to dig into a bit right now, although the first one's pretty rad, IMHO.
I suppose I wasn't really prepared for the extent to which the emotional component of puberty would re-emerge. I think that I have felt so far from it, I've forgotten some of it and I almost certainly buried some of my feelings about relationships, which were 1000% like, top of mind at that time in my life. But I didn't really understand any of it in a real way. I think back and I wanted to have a girlfriend, but I didn't, of course, have a real sense of what that meant--growing up in a conservative Christian household, going to a Christian grade school through grade 8, sex was a sheer mystery to me. I had discovered masturbation already, but even now, at my big age, sex is a weird concept for me. To really maybe drive this home and perhaps overshare: I had a crush on a girl for years--far too long, really--and in all that time, the idea of sex with her was basically foreign. I thought of it once or twice as like a thought experiment, but that's kind of it. But, like, I can't really think of a many people, if any, that I've looked at and though "I wanna have sex with them"--that idea is basically impossible to me (perhaps pertinent to mention that I have identified as some version of asexual for over a decade). And there's nothing wrong with that at all, but it took me a long time to get to that point. I assumed something was wrong with me, that I was broken/built wrong in some way, which you could argue was true, but I think it's more I just didn't understand myself at the level I do now. But, you know, I have tried.
I've had sex exactly once in my life and I, for many years, felt that was fine--I didn't need to have it again because it didn't blow my mind. The experience wasn't bad, but it was not the life-shattering event that I had been led to believe since high school. I eventually decided I was ace and so I just figured that's okay, I don't actually want to have sex. And that still might broadly be true; depending on how we define "sex", but let's table that for now. Realistically, it's probably the case that a mixture of my personal anxieties and gender troubles meant that there was no way that I could just enjoy that time as a moment of intimacy with someone who I have strong feelings for (this was also before I was diagnosed with anxiety and subsequently got medication for it).
But, a conversation with my therapist about relationships after coming out has really cracked me open in that regard: I crave a relationship in a way that I haven't in years. Like, I think I had accepted that that wasn't in the cards for me and that was okay, I love my friends and that's all I need. But, something about my therapist asking me about relationships cracked open that I have actually been burying my feelings for some time--which fits when you remember that men aren't allowed to have feelings and unlearning those toxic ideas takes time and my mom's side of the family is famously impatient and stubborn.
So, in this sense, I'm back to where I was when I was fourteen: I want to love and be loved in turn, romantically. The difference is I'm not fourteen; I'm in my late thirties and while I feel young and I'm finally coming into myself fully, I'm inexperienced. As a result, I feel even more anxiety because I worry that inexperience might leave a partner unsatisfied/unfulfilled and while I'm unlearning it, I am a people-pleaser--I want to make people happy in any way I can. And even if we take sex out of the equation, I haven't dated much, so I'm inexperienced at relationships in the most basic ways. Realistically, I'm a sensitive and loving gal, I'm sure that if that time comes like I want, I'll figure it out and a much better partner than I would've been at a younger age. But, ya know, anxiety.
I guess the reason I wanted to get some of this out was that this morning, I ran out the door because I forgot about an appointment and so, I forgot my morning pills for ADHD and anxiety. I didn't quite clock that until about halfway to the appointment and I realized I was kind of in a negative mental feedback loop of misery or something and driving is not enough to keep my brain from going places, at least when I know exactly where I am and where I'm going. I think I had forgotten the rawness of dealing with my brain w/o a barrier of medication or other people. The edges of my anxiety felt dulled, but they were as sharp as ever and they dug into those old grooves fresh and deep. I think I just needed to get this out because a lot of it has been in my head for a while and this morning, driving by myself, I reached the breaking point. I'd like to leave on something a bit more hopeful/happy, but I don't know what that would be. I guess, I'm trying? None may do more than try their best (I stg if you give me the yoda quote in response, I will fucking get you).