On Altschmerz
I can't remember where I found this word, but i stumbled upon it some time ago and it has just kind of stuck in my head, which I'll explain in a moment. The word means "weariness with the same old issues you've always had" -- I'm pretty sure this simple version is what I found and sort of clung onto and has stuck in my brain. There's a longer version which appears in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows and which I keep seeing cited now that I'm looking for the definition I initially found. It comes from German, with the roots being "alt" - "old" and "schmerz" - pain. German loves compound words.
Anyways, I think about it a lot. One that's come up a few times is a kind of jealousy and what's probably a struggle with RSD or something like it. As someone with anxiety, I may never be free of the notion that my friends secretly hate me or don't like being around me that much. Most of the time, I can push that away because on a pure level of logic: why the fuck would anyone spend time with me if they don't like me and they don't need to? Like, why would there be this vast conspiracy of a dozen or more people who don't like me, but hang out with me to make fun of me when I'm not around or something? It's ludicrous when you put it like that. But, anxiety doesn't care. This something I've struggled with since I was a teen because I've always been fat and most media when I was growing up--and plenty now--uses fat characters as a punchline and nothing else. Hell, I've talked about how I love Scrubs, but the show is replete with random fat people jokes. Hell, I wrote about it in my Sea of Stars review, but I was ready to like Garl cause he's chubby--too bad he fucking sucks. So, yeah, I feel some altschmerz wrt friendship in a way I know is ridiculous.
It also comes up with my romantic life, or lack thereof as the case is. We live in a culture which is obsessed with love. This feels like it's changing in my bubble but then I hear about women who pair off with men they don't even like that much because they're not dangerous and that's the best they can aspire to (yes, this is a real story I have heard). Hell, Sabrina Carpenter has a song about how the straight women are struggling. But most of the time, I'm okay with being single. It generally doesn't bother me. But man, when it does, I again feel like I'm back in high school seeing people pair off and not understanding why no one is interested in me (see above for what I thought it was). And very simply, feeling like a 14-year-old again is not something I enjoy.
The one that's killing me lately and literally the reason I'm writing this right now is financial insecurity. Growing up in the 90s, my family was fine. Financially, we didn't stress, to my knowledge. But, I was also a kid and I didn't know shit, so who knows? In college, I started to see those cracks forming and keeping money in my account began to feel a bit precarious. I think that that's pretty much been the case ever since. Even last school year, while I was working at two different schools, money just seemed to fucking slip through my fingers like trying to hold onto water. Any time I felt like I was getting close to getting comfortable, maybe even ahead, something came up. I know this isn't unique or idiosyncratic. Many are struggling with money--everything is fucking expensive (side note: this article is a year old and still fucking accurate we're fucking cooked) and money is worth less than it used to be in the US. It's just one of those frustrating things of like I have worked for years on my graduate work and completed a Master's degree and it doesn't mean shit. Most employers dismiss me out of hand. At this point, I worry that I'm coming off as "alas poor me, I was never supposed to struggle like this" and maybe that's part of it? But also jesus fucking christ, none of us need to be struggling! We are because rich people are fucking pieces of shit! Again, Nickel and Dimed came out at the START of the fucking G. W. Bush era!!! TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. AND NOTHING IS DIFFERENT.
I'll close with this bit from Ed Zitron, because I cannot stop thinking about it:
"We all feel like we’re at war right now. Every person I know, on some level, feels like they’re in their own battle, their own march toward something, or against something, or away from something. It’s constant, a drumbeat, a war song, a funeral dirge, and so rarely an anthem.
All of us feel like we’re individually suffering. We echo with conflict and we reverberate with our own doubts, even the most confident and successful of us." from "Never Forget What They've Done". Ed is talking mostly about tech, but holy shit, it resonates outside of the tech industry. If you're in the US, you probably feel like you're at war with your own government and hell, probably even if you aren't. It's deeply frustrating. I have nothing useful or interesting to add to this, just that I, too, am very frustrated and I'm tired of fighting the same battles in my own head.